Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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