My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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