Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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