it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
