I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
