After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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