Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
