I wannas sexs uuuuu
I wish my penis had an off switch
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
