I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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