he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
