i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
