you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
