somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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