wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
