Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
