i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
