Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
