Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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