I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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