I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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