the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
