Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
