it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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