Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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