i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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