someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My liver just had a heart attack.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
