omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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