cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
