i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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