god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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