I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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