When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
