Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
