eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
