You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
