nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
