Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
