my vag is so smooth its legendary
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
