When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
