im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
