dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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