the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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