In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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