If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We named our party play list daddy issues
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
