no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
