She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
