I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm getting married
To pizza
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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