I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
