By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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