I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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