I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
