you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
