im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
