Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
