last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
