I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
