hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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