my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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