I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
